Wednesday, 27 May 2015

Why on God’s Green, Natural Earth Has No One Figured Out How To Make Healthy Pizza!?

Does it ever bother anyone else that pizza, the most delicious food on the planet, is also one of the worst things to put in your body?

I mean seriously, how much crueler can life be?

You are a classic American, so you work hard. I mean REALLY hard. Like ridiculously, incredulously, insanely, hard. And after a long day’s work you want nothing more than to come home, kick your shoes off, plop on the couch and watch TV.

Don’t they have a name for that? Oh yeah, the American dream.

And while you watch reruns of American Idol (because you’re truly THAT American) you get it in your head that you deserve some pizza.

With all it’s beautiful goodness. It’s intoxicating aroma. It’s mouth watering glow. The way the cheese is glistening just right. Ahhhhhhhhhhh yes…pizza….

Best of all, you thank the stars and stripes that you can call, text, or damn near telepathically think in an order form the endless number of establishments salivating at the opportunity to hand deliver it right to your door!


The whole process is divine. The Greek gods of old couldn’t even imagine this level of righteousness.


There is one glaringly awful part.

After you’re done dipping your crust in garlic sauce, and the entire XXL box is empty, even though this was a solo venture, you realize.

You’re fat.

And I’m not talking like you’re actually fat. Your weight and appearance really have nothing to do with it.

No, it’s that you feeeeeel fat.

And not just slightly fat.

No no no no no no no no no no. You feel, Fat Bastard, fat.

You feel, Oh eM Gee fat.

You feel like you’re the fattest fatso that ever globulated on your couch.

Then, the worst part happens.

You’re still watching American Idol, and it cuts to commercial. Not just commercial but…INFOMERCIAL!

…and not just infomercial but…









Oh no.

The amount of fat you feel now cannot be explained in words.

My friends, if you’ve ever felt this kind of fat…and if you have you know exactly what I mean.

You feel it.

All of it.

And then you see the abs. And the butts. And the thighs. And the tris. And the bis. And on and on and on.

And it’s the worst feeling you’ve ever felt.

You feel so horribly bad that you decide you need ice cream.

So you get it.

And you eat the entire carton of it.

And now you’ve hit rock bottom.

You feel as though no person, living or dead, has ever been as fat as you.

And a tiny tear emerges from the corner of your eye.

And that’s when it all makes sense.


Especially unmoderated, unadulterated pizza…

Is bad for you.

As Earth shatteringly delicious as it is.

It’s just…it’s not meant to be.

You realize you can’t keep living like this, even though while it was happening you had never felt so alive.

This occurrence is not uncommon to me my friends. Like every Friday since I was old enough to bake frozen pizza not uncommon to me.

But as I examine the current landscape of Western culture I cannot help but bang my head violently against the wall due to the extreme amount of turmoil which boils up inside me regarding this issue.

Every five blocks I see another Whole Foods with a Trader Joe’s as the second story.

Something like 129,394,394,483 “health food products” exist today.

And, on top of it all, I live in Silicon Valley.



Yes, the same Silicon Valley that has an entire freaking HBO show dedicated to showcasing how we can make a startup out of ANYTHING!

A N Y T H I N G!

The health food craze is at an all time high, and so is the entrepreneurial spirit.

So you’re gonna tell me no one has thought of making a freaking healthy pizza!

Not one single person?

Think of the market opportunity. Think of the endless amounts of money I would personally send you in bags big enough to need shoulder straps to carry!

With all these people using their brains so often, you would think this problem would have been solved by now.

And yet I keep eating pizza, and I keep getting fat.


Can I rip someone’s head off now!?

Now I know what you’re thinking…

“But Eric, pizza CAN be healthy”

Blah blah bladdidy blah. Shut up!

“Healthy” pizza is about as real as the stuff actual, tasty, frozen pizza is made of.

Here is what “healthy” pizza typically consists of:

-No crust, or more often, crust made from bear poop

-No sauce because sauce is poison or something

-No cheese

-Piles and piles of lettuce

-No meat


Oh and it’s the size of my left pinky finger.


Delicious? Absolutely not.

That’s not pizza. That’s a salad.

If I wanted healthy salad I wouldn’t be eating pizza!

Can I get an amen?

I mean for God’s sake someone took the time to make veggie fries.

Yes, they are french fries made of VEGGIES!

Ok, they are actually not bad. We have them in the office.

Seriously America!

You make me a healthy pizza and I will make you a billionaire.

— Rant over —

Think you know of healthy pizza that I won’t have to write a follow-up rant about? Post it in the comments below, I would love to try it out.

*If you don’t see the comments section you need to scroll all the way back up (yes I’m sorry) and click the title of the post*

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