Saturday, 6 June 2015

Why Does Knowing How to Use The Internet Make Me a Creep?

In order to understand this post there are three things you need to know about me:

1) I am single

2) I like girls

3) I know how to use the internet

Unfortunately, in today’s modern world, any guy who fits this description is utterly effed.

I mean totally SOL.

And, if you’re reading this rant, chances are you probably fit the three criteria above. Or know someone who does.

And if that’s the case, you might as well just resign yourself to the idea you’ll be single forever because there’s really no hope for you.

The future of your love life, like mine, is bleak.

Why do you ask?

Well, my friend. It’s because the three attributes I listed above deem you “creepy” to the modern woman.

I’ll give you a moment to let it fully sink in.


I’m sorry to say.

But you.

Yes you.

Are a creeper.

I know. It’s not fair. But life hardly ever is.

It’s not your fault you were born with more brain cells than muscles, and you learned how to read.

See, the problem is you continued to invest in your intelligence.

You really shouldn’t have.

Because when the internet became a thing for you, you were smart enough to figure it out.

And not just figure it out, but like, really investigate it.

You know what I mean. You’re the type of person who knows how to use Google and stuff.

I soooooooo feel your pain.

For me it all started with good ol’ dial up.

Before dial up internet was installed in our house, I certainly had attributes 1 (being single) and 2 (liking girls), which meant I was doing just fine.

There I was. Loving life. Chilling in my bowl cut. Happy as any other NORMAL young boy.

But then we got AOL.

And an ominous voice continually told me I have mail.

And I was always yelling at my dad to, “GET OFF THE PHONE” so I could get on AIM.

And that’s when it changed.

That’s when I obtained attribute 3 (learning how to use the internet), and I became a “creeper”.

When you have attribute 3, things like the AIM Buddy List are seen in a COMPLETELY different way.

Most guys couldn’t figure it out.

They saw the list of all their friends, and sure, they noticed the different colored dots and words next to their friend’s names.

Things like green dots that said “Online”.

You know, “hieroglyphs” as those guys called them.

But to guys who understood the internet, these so called hieroglyphs signaled their friends, or the girl they had a crush on, had just become available to chat with.

So what did we do?

The only logical thing of course! We immediately IMed them.

And thus, we were affirmed as “creepers”.

The technology has grown, but the BS principle I’m pointing out here hasn’t.

Why the hell does the fact I just saw you got on Facebook from your mobile device, because my eyes couldn’t help but drift to your name, BECAUSE I THINK YOU’RE CUTE, MAKE ME A CREEP!!!!?


Ok, repressed rage fest over.




It makes no sense to me.

Shouldn’t it be a turn ON to you that I’m super tech savvy and can figure shit like this out?

“But no dude, you’ve got to pretend like you don’t care she’s online. You should ignore her.”



I like her.

Isn’t it more efficient for me to signal that?

The answer is no…no it’s not. Because evidently it’s creepy.

The smart person inside of me, the one that understands the internet, just cannot fathom this idea.

Let me give some examples to help crystalize my point:

**Actions are signaled by the use of parenthesis –> (Doing something)

Example 1: The Social Media Post to Text Reach Out

Unfortunately I never seem to learn from my mistakes, so I commit this error quite often. It goes something like this.

Eric: (Checking Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter because I’m probably using the toilet)

Cute Girl: (Posts super cute pics of her being really cute, because she’s cute like that)

Eric: (Sees post of cute girl and notices she’s doing something cool, like at a hockey game)

Eric: (Decides to work up my courage and text cute girl)

Eric: Hey [insert cute girl’s name], I saw on [insert name of social network] you were at the hockey game! That’s so cool, I didn’t know you liked hockey. How was it?

Cute Girl: (Blocks Eric on all social media, never talks to him again, and spreads the word to all her cute girl friends that he’s a total creeper)

Eric: (Face palm)

Example 2: The Late Night Internet Like

Eric: (Had a really long and eventful day, and is finally laying in bed getting ready to drift off into dream world. So of course I pull out my phone)

Eric: (Swiping through various news feeds on social networks such as Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, etc.)

Eric: (Not thinking anything of it likes, thumbs up, and comments on various posts which seem awesome)

Eric: (Falls asleep)

–Next Day–

Cute Girl: (Checks phone to find a notification signaling Eric liked, thumbed up, or commented on one of their posts/photos at 11:54 pm)

Cute Girl: (Blocks Eric on all social media, never talks to him again, and spreads the word to all her cute girl friends that he’s a total creeper)

Eric: (Face palm)

Example 3: The Dating App Investigator

Eric: (Upset at his singleness, downloads various dating apps including Tinder, Hinge, and The League)

Eric: (After much swiping starts to match with some cute girls)

Eric: (Sees name and mutual friends of various matches and uses internet skills to locate their social media profiles)

Eric: (Via dating app) Hey [insert cute girl’s name]!

Cute Girl: Hi!! [insert 15 emojis]

Eric: I see we both know [insert mutual friend] what a great person!

Cute Girl: Yeah! [insert 35 emojis]

Eric: How was your day?

Cute Girl: Great! [insert 130 emojis]

Eric: (Attempting to get a real conversation going tries to pull up some similar interests from his social media findings) I saw you like to cook, me too! What’s your favorite dish?

Cute Girl: …how did you know I like to cook!?

Eric: Oh, well I saw on your Facebook.

Cute Girl: EEEEEEEW! [inserts 1,534 negative emojis]

Cute Girl: (Blocks Eric on all social media, never talks to him again, and spreads the word to all her cute girl friends that he’s a total creeper)

Eric: (Face palm)

Example 4: The All Platform Connection Request

Eric: (Out on a Friday night at an awesome spot starts up a conversation with a cute girl. As things get to a close…)

Eric: So it’s been great chatting with you, let me get your number and we can keep this going.

Cute Girl: Sure! It’s 867-5309.

Eric: Awesome, I just texted you. See you soon.

–Later That Night–

Eric: (Feeling triumphant, gets online to look up the girl he met. Finds her on Facebook, LinkedIn, and Twitter. So I obviously friend request her on all of those. Then, her Facebook lists her Snapchat, her Twitter lists her Instagram, and her LinkedIn lists her Tumbler blog, even though that’s not the most professional. Still, feeling like it makes sense to connect I friend request her on all mediums)

–Later That Week–

Eric: (Via text message to cute girl) Hey! How about that date?

Cute Girl: (Radio silence because she already had blocked Eric on all social media, never talks to him again, and spreads the word to all her cute girl friends that he’s a total creeper)

Eric: (Notices he’s blocked er’ywhere)

Eric: (Face palm)

I Can’t Be The Only One…Can I?

Maybe everyone else out there is just lightyears ahead of me in social skills, but I have a hard time believing I’m the only one who makes these blunders.

Am I just THAT naive?

And, I’m not saying this is only a guy-girl thing. I know plenty of girls who’ve done the same to guys. I’m just speaking from the only perspective I know, my own.

But come on people, we live in the freaking future!

We’ve got talking refrigerators for goodness sakes!!

Just the other day I saw an ad for a bluetooth enabled trash can!!!

Can’t we all assume we’re all proficient at the internet by now!!!!

Don’t even get me started on girls who don’t know how to Google shit!!!!!

So WHY does it surprise you when I search your name, which you clearly posted online, in Facebook?!

But noooooo.

I’m the creep.

Even though in actuality, you’re the idiot.

Because if you ACTUALLY were smart, you’d be doing the same thing as me.


That’s it.

Everyone else is dumb.

Why didn’t I realize this before?

All of you out there like me. Those who are smart enough to find me on Foursquare even though I’ve only logged in once and never touch it.

Those of you who think it’s perfectly normal to text a cute person when you see them doing something awesome on Twitter.

Those who don’t have time to deal with all this bull shit of pretending to be stupid.

Let’s hang out.

–Rant over–

Do you have a funny, awkward, or embarrassing story of a time you let it slip too early that you knew exactly who the other person was online? I would love to hear about it in the comments.

*If you don’t see the comments section you need to scroll all the way back up (yes I’m sorry) and click the title of the post*

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Wednesday, 27 May 2015

Why on God’s Green, Natural Earth Has No One Figured Out How To Make Healthy Pizza!?

Does it ever bother anyone else that pizza, the most delicious food on the planet, is also one of the worst things to put in your body?

I mean seriously, how much crueler can life be?

You are a classic American, so you work hard. I mean REALLY hard. Like ridiculously, incredulously, insanely, hard. And after a long day’s work you want nothing more than to come home, kick your shoes off, plop on the couch and watch TV.

Don’t they have a name for that? Oh yeah, the American dream.

And while you watch reruns of American Idol (because you’re truly THAT American) you get it in your head that you deserve some pizza.

With all it’s beautiful goodness. It’s intoxicating aroma. It’s mouth watering glow. The way the cheese is glistening just right. Ahhhhhhhhhhh yes…pizza….

Best of all, you thank the stars and stripes that you can call, text, or damn near telepathically think in an order form the endless number of establishments salivating at the opportunity to hand deliver it right to your door!


The whole process is divine. The Greek gods of old couldn’t even imagine this level of righteousness.


There is one glaringly awful part.

After you’re done dipping your crust in garlic sauce, and the entire XXL box is empty, even though this was a solo venture, you realize.

You’re fat.

And I’m not talking like you’re actually fat. Your weight and appearance really have nothing to do with it.

No, it’s that you feeeeeel fat.

And not just slightly fat.

No no no no no no no no no no. You feel, Fat Bastard, fat.

You feel, Oh eM Gee fat.

You feel like you’re the fattest fatso that ever globulated on your couch.

Then, the worst part happens.

You’re still watching American Idol, and it cuts to commercial. Not just commercial but…INFOMERCIAL!

…and not just infomercial but…









Oh no.

The amount of fat you feel now cannot be explained in words.

My friends, if you’ve ever felt this kind of fat…and if you have you know exactly what I mean.

You feel it.

All of it.

And then you see the abs. And the butts. And the thighs. And the tris. And the bis. And on and on and on.

And it’s the worst feeling you’ve ever felt.

You feel so horribly bad that you decide you need ice cream.

So you get it.

And you eat the entire carton of it.

And now you’ve hit rock bottom.

You feel as though no person, living or dead, has ever been as fat as you.

And a tiny tear emerges from the corner of your eye.

And that’s when it all makes sense.


Especially unmoderated, unadulterated pizza…

Is bad for you.

As Earth shatteringly delicious as it is.

It’s just…it’s not meant to be.

You realize you can’t keep living like this, even though while it was happening you had never felt so alive.

This occurrence is not uncommon to me my friends. Like every Friday since I was old enough to bake frozen pizza not uncommon to me.

But as I examine the current landscape of Western culture I cannot help but bang my head violently against the wall due to the extreme amount of turmoil which boils up inside me regarding this issue.

Every five blocks I see another Whole Foods with a Trader Joe’s as the second story.

Something like 129,394,394,483 “health food products” exist today.

And, on top of it all, I live in Silicon Valley.



Yes, the same Silicon Valley that has an entire freaking HBO show dedicated to showcasing how we can make a startup out of ANYTHING!

A N Y T H I N G!

The health food craze is at an all time high, and so is the entrepreneurial spirit.

So you’re gonna tell me no one has thought of making a freaking healthy pizza!

Not one single person?

Think of the market opportunity. Think of the endless amounts of money I would personally send you in bags big enough to need shoulder straps to carry!

With all these people using their brains so often, you would think this problem would have been solved by now.

And yet I keep eating pizza, and I keep getting fat.


Can I rip someone’s head off now!?

Now I know what you’re thinking…

“But Eric, pizza CAN be healthy”

Blah blah bladdidy blah. Shut up!

“Healthy” pizza is about as real as the stuff actual, tasty, frozen pizza is made of.

Here is what “healthy” pizza typically consists of:

-No crust, or more often, crust made from bear poop

-No sauce because sauce is poison or something

-No cheese

-Piles and piles of lettuce

-No meat


Oh and it’s the size of my left pinky finger.


Delicious? Absolutely not.

That’s not pizza. That’s a salad.

If I wanted healthy salad I wouldn’t be eating pizza!

Can I get an amen?

I mean for God’s sake someone took the time to make veggie fries.

Yes, they are french fries made of VEGGIES!

Ok, they are actually not bad. We have them in the office.

Seriously America!

You make me a healthy pizza and I will make you a billionaire.

— Rant over —

Think you know of healthy pizza that I won’t have to write a follow-up rant about? Post it in the comments below, I would love to try it out.

*If you don’t see the comments section you need to scroll all the way back up (yes I’m sorry) and click the title of the post*

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